Thor was making a few repairs on his mead hall and feeling a bit hot and thirsty. He should not have used beer to quench his thirst. Now his mead hall is a pile of ashes and an unknown child is calling him daddy. And has anyone seen Mjolnir lately?
As guardian of the Rainbow Bridge and the walls of Asgard, Heimdall has seen his share of action. He has guarded the realm against jotuns of every shape and size, from hillbilly hill giants to feverish fire giants, and he has taken a few good licks along the way. In fact, Heimdall’s body has been battered and abused so many times, that entire sections have been replaced with cybernetic components. Now he carries out his duties as watchman with the most high tech surveillance equipment in Asgard integrated with his body. So complete is this integration, that it is impossible to tell where the God ends and the machine begins. Heimdall is the original technoviking.
Because of his unique skills, Heimdall also serves as customs official, making sure nothing passes through the gates of Asgard without his knowledge. Loki figures he is clever enough to escape Heimdall’s discerning electronic eye — but did not count on the guardian’s newly installed ultraviolet rectal scanning hardware.
The Rainbow Transportation System is the most extensive transportation system in the multiverse. Not only does the RTS connect the nine worlds, but also the 11 dimensions, the seven planes of existence, the five elements, and the three acts of Aristotelian dramatic structure. Its extensive system of rainbow bridges, highways, portals, and wormholes can take you down the street to Grandma’s house or off this planet to the farthest reaches of the universe where time and space are still expanding. The Rainbow Transportation System makes the United States Interstate Highway system look like a couple of measly ant trails and the Pyramids of Egypt like triangular mouse turds. Even the Chinese in their wildest earth-moving construction fantasies cannot imagine such magnificent public works. Forget high speed rail, supersonic jets, and plutonium powered rockets… this is the real deal! So saddle up your eight legged horse and go for a real ride when the Rainbow gets connected in your village.
Frigg is worried sick about Baldur. He’s been gone to Midgard for several weeks now without sending a message home. Frigg knows her son is naive in the ways of the world, and being in the care of Uncle Loki only makes things worse.
And nevermind the hype about elves being an enlightened, noble race. Hitchhiking elves will rob you blind!
The second most popular question in art, following “why is the Mona Lisa smiling,” is of course, “why is that squiggly dude screaming on the bridge?”
Loki introduces Baldur to one of mankind’s greatest achievements: modern art. The Viking gods understand this stuff even less than your average farm worker from Iowa. Not to diss on farm workers from Iowa, but they aren’t usually eating cheese off toothpicks and sipping appletini’s on opening night while watching some guy on heroin take a dump on a sheet of distressed metal in order to problematize the relation of the body to the notion of surface in the post “post” double post modern era. Odin bless them in their glorious ignorance.
Baldur is not having much fun at Uncle Loki’s “art gallery”. He’s also starting to catch on that Sleezy Pete’s might not be the best place to pick up a canvas for his mead hall. The boy is still a little nervous around the opposite sex, and having a woman crawl towards him growling on all fours is not a very good introduction. Fortunately, as a Viking he realizes that all problems can be solved with the broadsword, and soon he and Loki are off to further misadventures.
Baldur fails to see the potential in courting women that:
1) Lack strong backs… completely worthless rowing or in the field.
2) Have slender arms… can barely lift a sack of potatoes, much less a Viking broad sword.
3) Possess narrow hips… even if the upper half is well suited for child rearing, how many children can a narrow-hipped woman possibly produce?
Loki sees things a little differently, however.
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