Odin tells Baldur that he is wasting his time by trying to help the humans. Out of the billions of fools running around Midgard, only a handful are worthy of a seat in Valhalla. Baldur accuses his father of being an elitist and asks what happens to the ones who get left behind. Odin demonstrates by firing a lightning bolt: target practice. Baldur is starting to realize his father has not just elitist but psychotic tendencies.
Baldur notices two humans fighting after a football game and figures this is a great opportunity for a benevolent god like himself to intervene. He tells the humans to relax, that a Viking god has arrived to help them talk things out peacefully, but he is mocked for his winged helmet and accused of being the god of the fairies.
Baldur ponders what he did wrong as the humans proceed to kill one another.
Baldur is determined to do some good in the universe. His father Odin would be happy if he grew up to be a giant-slayer like his brother Thor, but he wants to promote peace, not violence. In Alfheim, the Elves already dwell in peace, and in Svartalfheim, the dwarves are beyond hope. Which leaves the humans on Midgard…
Death, murder, exploitation, racism, greed, and Viking comics… Baldur wonders if maybe he should start his campaign of goodness with a community garden.
Some folks wonder why Christianity supplanted the old Viking religion. In the Christian religion you get to relax when you die. Going to heaven is like going on vacation to Florida… forever. But the Viking afterlife is just a training period before the apocalyptic final battle, the Ragnarok, takes place. In Valhalla, every day the heroes wake up and fight to the death, honing their battlefield skills. It’s not much different than military boot camp.
In other words, Christian dead people are a bunch of lazy wimps.
Odin peers from his cloud chair down on Midgard and watches one country invade another in the name of peace. He’s a bit old fashioned and does not understand the modern mindset of going to war to accomplish peace. What’s wrong with simply invading in the name of war?
Freyja considers her role as a war goddess a bit of a male fantasy. After all, women don’t make war, men do. Some horny male skald, reciting kennings to a mead hall full of juvenile boys, must have manufactured this identity for her. Sword-wielding, stunning, promiscuous… this blonde bombshell must have been the ultimate beat off fantasy for boys back in the day.
But now, in the modern era, how does Freyja reconcile the role that’s been written for her with her desire to write her own description?
Somehow she manages.
And is there any truth to the rumor that Frejya will be attending college on Midgard in the near future? You’ll have to wait and see…
Freyja never intended on getting ravaged by a bunch of filthy dwarves, but when she saw the wondrous patterns of the shimmering gold choker, she knew it had to be hers. The dwarves of the Eddas are not the cute, good-natured creatures you find whistling through the forest in Snow White. Instead, they are inherently evil, live in the ground, and explode in the sunlight. They are considered maggots who developed human understanding. On the plus side, dwarves are expert craftsman capable of making cool magical weapons and jewelry stunning enough to seduce a smoking hot goddess.
The most famous Freyja story regards how the goddess acquired her stunning gold necklace. For four nights, Freyja allowed four disgusting dwarves to ravish her. Freyja reasoned that four nights getting pawed by dwarves was a small price to pay for a necklace of impeccable craftsmanship that would adorn her forever.
Odin longs to make a warrior out of his son, Baldur. Naturally, the best way to do this is to teach Baldur how to properly slay a giant. Once Baldur feels the thrill that comes with seeing a sixteen story colossus hit the ground, there will be no turning back – he’ll become an unstoppable giant-slayer like his brother, Thor. But Odin’s youngest son isn’t buying any of it. Matter of fact, he’d rather feed the squirrels.
Baldur longs to use his god powers to defend the defenseless, the plants and animals overrun by the modern world. Does Asgard have a budding ecowarrior on its hands, or is Baldur just another sissy who wears wings on his helmet? Only the future will tell…
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